I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
