I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
birth control should be required to get into college
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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