i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
