ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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