I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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