if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
