Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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