Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
