I wanna bring you to show and tell
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
