You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
