I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
time to smoke my breakfast
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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