my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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