I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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