You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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