I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
