So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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