Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
