so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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