hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
