yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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