I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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