I puked a lego.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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