i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
