I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
