I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
