He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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