Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
