Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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