I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
