Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
