My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i think i have two assholes
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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