I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
