I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
