youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
