I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
