so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he was CRYING into my vagina
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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