what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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