There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize