so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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