My hand turned me down
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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