Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
