I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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