I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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