i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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