Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Randomize
