We won't sleep together?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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