i already hear my dad disowning me
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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