Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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