no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
