and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
