Please, let me fuck your mom
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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