I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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