Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
