I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
