hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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