Need sex. Gaining weight.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
