Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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