Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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